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Wednesday, 11 January 2012
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You know what this means.
What? A post? I know, I know. But if you know me, which you probably don't, you know this isnt a great sign. Everything is going reallyyyy well in my life. Shocker, I know. And it isnt that I don't feel happy, I am happy, I'm just not..bubbly, and opinionated, and goofy. I am happy, deep down. But why dont I show it? Or Feel it? Feel isnt the right word. I dont know.
Unfortunately I know exactly what this means.
I should take my antidepressants.
I hate hate hate that. Why am I like this?
Why can't I just be happy on my own?
I am happy...I just dont feel like myself.
I dont necessarily feel depressed, just constantly blah. I'm trying to recall my last really good day....Nothing.
Damnit.I hate that.
They are sitting over there, staring menacingly at me, Ha ha, you need me. You cant live without me. You'll never be able to live without me.Ugh.
Saturday, 26 November 2011
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Thankful...Saturday?
18. I am thankful for my lovely boyfriend. I got sick yesterday and have been miserable ever since. He has taken the best care of me!
19. I am thankful that my nephew just knocked on my door and said my name, even though he did not know I was home. Love him.
20. I am very thankful for the lovely ladies, K and J, for letting me leave work early today.
21. I am also thankful for the medical center that was open even on a saturday - I did not want to go to the ER!
22. Turns out, No Flu! or any other terrible ailment that must be cured with medicine. Thankful for that, just not the part where the Doctor said, "it make take up to seven days to go away".....blah.
23. I am thankful for my Nana. She is just awesome.
24. I am thankful for the delicious food that filled my plate on Thanksgiving.
25. Although I am sick, I am thankful for the break from School.
26. I am very thankful for my paycheck I received yesterday!
And in advance....
27. I am thankful for the heater, which was fixed yesterday.
28. I am thankful for my debit card. It is much easier to perform a simple swipe of a card, rather than dealing with coin and carrying cash around.
29. I am thankful that Kaytee is home, and is doing well. She's even starting to push up on her arms. Maybe she will crawl soon? Maybe.
30. and Finally, I am thankful to everyone who had to work Thanksgiving. You guys rock.
A few weeks of school left, and I finally get a saturday off! Yessss. Although the last couple of weeks have been hard, I'm happy to say that It's almost time for a break (a long one). My niece is having some of the same medical problems as I had when I was her age, and I hope it has teh same outcome. However, my Auto-immune testing came out clear, where hers shows signs of Scleroderma. I hope it turns out to be some weird problem, like mine was, that will just go away on its own.
Anyhoo, I suppose I should rest, even though I don't want to rest away my vacation.. All well. Doctors orders.
Thursday, 17 November 2011
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Thankful Thursday
Well, it's that time of year again: Thanksgiving. So here I am, to give thanks.
Without further ado, I am thankful for:
1. My mother.
2. My Job - I am allowed to do my homework on the clock, when I have time. Lifesaver!
3. Koolaid. I have drank so much in the past two weeks that I am surprised I have yet to be Koolaid Woman.
4. My computer. Without it, I'd be in trouble. School-wise, especially. Possibly even my sanity would go. Hmm.
5. My wonderful Nephew who is convinced that the moon decides the weather. Also, a sidenote: He now has two imaginary friends: Speedy, and Speedy. I had the honor of attending dinner with one of the Speedy's. He likes cheese pizza.
6. Blankets. I really love blankets.
7. My car. I cannot even imagine not having a car to get where I needed to go.
8. Taylor Swift. Her music makes me happy.
9. My bed. I absolutely love having a wonderful bed to come home to after a rough day.
10. My crock pot. Velvetta + Mild Rotel = DELICIOUS.
11. The huge bathtub at my Mother's house. As a matter of fact, a bath sounds quite nice.
12. Words with Friends. There are really boring times at work, and WWF is always there to cure the boredom.
13. Heaters. Car & house. I am naturally cold, always. I would be miserable without one.
14. Toothpaste/Toothbrush. Can you imagine going without? Bleh!
15. My Cell Phone. I hardly go anywhere without it - It provides a sense of protection. Protection isn't the right word, but I'm not sure how to explain. I would be able to call if anything were to happen.
16. The safety of my family and friends. My mother's fiance's grandson died today.. Definitely makes me appreciate every moment more. He was only eight. What a terrible accident.
17. Xanga. Here I can express whatever I want, without fail. No one judges, or rather, no one says anything if they do. Plus, it is electronic which means no hand cramp for me whenever I have a lot to say!
Off to take a bath in my favorite bathtub.
Goodbye, lovelies! :D
Saturday, 29 October 2011
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Thank youuu.
A huge thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog, and especially to @QuantumStorm for giving me the help when I needed it the most. It was wonderful seeing the comments and knowing that random strangers stopped by to show me that I wasn't alone. As I was writing that last blog, I felt so alone. Coming back to see the comments made my day.
Since then, I have been much better. Emotionally I have been doing well. I still am unsure about this being off of my anti-depressants idea, but I'm winging it. I have to admit, I've been a little cranky, but everyone gets cranky, I haven't had any emotional meltdowns. I'd say I'm doing pretty well off of them, even though my niece Kaytee was in the hospital.
Kaytee was hospitalized last Friday with Renal Failure. She was at stage three, and miraculously is now back to normal. Her specialist said he had never seen an adult, let alone a one year old go from stage three, back to normal again. She is awesome. Strongest little girl ever.
C and I have been doing well. I'm still scared that I wont form as strong of feelings as he has for me, but I'm trying not to stress it. This is how relationships are supposed to go. He's the sweetest, he wrote me the cutest note for me to come home to tonight. AND did the laundry. AND cleaned up. He's a keeper.
Also, I passed my math placement test! YESSS:D Double-yay for that. I'm currently in Prep math 3, and if I hadn't passed, I would have had to go to Prep Math 4, but instead I get to skip to a class that actually counts: Algebra! Oh, I hate algebra, but this is spring is my only semester left at community college before I switch to a university for my psych degree. Yay :D
My mom and I had a fight this week. A friend of mine pointed out to me that I was going to be upset when my mother wasn't just a few miles away, and of course, she was right. So, the next day I called my mom up and asked her to go to lunch. She couldn't do lunch, but said we could meet for dinner. She called me again later to discuss further plans and we wound up getting in an argument. It was a miss-communication. Well, before I go on I should tell you that my mother is getting married. I am dealing with it pretty well considering during my entire 20 years of life she has never even been in a committed relationship. She has dated, but never full out fell for a man. I didn't expect to feel so anxious about it, but I do. I've been getting better, but it is hard for me. As happy as I am for her, she's still the mother that has been all mine up until now.
The only part of this wedding, besides my mothers happiness, that I am legitimately excited about, is her wedding dress. The first thing I did when her fiance asked for permission is started looking for the perfect dress for her. So, since then I have been waiting, waiting and waiting to go dress shopping. Anticipating it so much, and then one day she went without me. She didnt' try anything on, but she knew how much I wanted to go and how excited I was. I was hurt. She keeps saying oh maybe we'll go this day, or maybe tomorrow, but she always has some reason to put it off. So, when she brought it up the other day, I thought she wanted to go that day. WRONG. She was just bringing it up, and then said she didn't actually want to go that day. I was obviously disappointed and it clearly made her mad.
She hung up the phone, but then called back a few minutes later with, "Why do you have to make everything I'm excited about negative? I was really excited to go to dinner with you, but you just ruined it. Now I don't even want to go." She then said If you want to go to dinner, call me later. I said I don't, and we hung up.
To say the least, that hurt. She apologized later, but that doesn't make it okay. It doesnt make the fact that I still feel like I ruin everything for her go away.
But other than that, this week has been really good.
I've gotta run, I'm going out tonight. Hopefully it will be fun..
Props to anyone who actually read this whole thing. :D
Thanks again to everyone who cared.
Goodbye :D
Friday, 21 October 2011
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Dear Diary,
It hasn't been long since I wrote. This isn't a good sign. I haven't taken my depression meds for like 3 weeks now. Why can't I be okay without them? Or maybe I am, my life has just become a mess. Normal people get upset too. I just saw a picture of my ex-boyfriends little girl. I love her to death. He had bought me an engagement ring. But he turned psychotic. I was so attached to her.. It was on his new girlfriends page.. I wasn't special to him. Nor was I special to his family. Ouch. Soon she'll figure out his ways.
Or maybe it's just me in general. I told C that we could try dating. I'm freaking out. It's been about two weeks. I'm not really feeling anything more than what I felt when we were just being more than friends. He's the sweetest ever, he took such good care of me when I was sick. Why can't I just love him? Why?
Instead i'm sitting here crying over some stupid event that happened months ago. I thought I was going to help raise that little girl, and now i'm so easily replaced, so easily forgotten. Just another girl taking the pictures.
I'm obviously not ready for a relationship, but here I am, In one. How am I going to break it off? I'm such a bitch.
I tried so hard, he deserves the best...I just feel so trapped. But if I lose him, I lose everything. The babies, Nikki, The fun times. I'd be back to square one. With nothing. But even worse, this time, my mom is even leaving. She'll be gone to live with her Fiance in march.I need someone now more than ever, but I have no where to turn.
I hope wisdom finds me soon.
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